journey

Too Much Can Overwhelm

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The grieving process is hard, there’s no question about it. Everyone is in a different place at a different time. Despite the incredible pain and hardship, we try to continue. From my own experience, and I’m no expert, I believe that we can take on too much, too fast, which can lead to temporary setbacks.

I recently stacked projects on top of one another to keep busy and to occasionally escape this new reality. In addition to the daily grind of work and other duties, I also took on new tasks in an attempt to continue to move forward and prove to myself that I am making strides.

I think taking on new projects, new adventures and other new things “outside of the box” can be beneficial. I was talked into going dancing a short time ago, something I’ve never done or would have probably never considered. It was, though, a very nice experience.

However, my emotional state backfired on me as I added too much “work” in a short period of time. I made commitments to others that these tasks can be completed. I’m managing to get them done, but it’s taking longer, much longer than I expected.

In my other life, I could take on just about anything and get it done in a timely manner. Sure, there was stress involved, but I would get through it because I had Sally. Now, if I take on too much, too fast, feelings of being overwhelmed were consuming me.

I found myself with increased anxiety, almost panicked. Trying to focus on anything would become increasingly difficult, sometimes nearly impossible. It’s hard to admit, but I’m not the warrior I once was, at least not now. My life has changed, and it’s not the one I want, but I’m stuck with it.

I’m also in a situation where I can’t force this grieving process. I can’t demand too much of myself without expecting emotional setbacks. That’s just the way it is now.

As the days go by, I’m trying to give myself a “break.” Believe me, it’s not easy. I’m my own worst critic as my mind still wants to resolve all the pain and anxiety.

With my one-year anniversary fast-approaching, I’m starting to realize that I really do have to “go with the flow” and not to keep swimming upstream. Easier said than done.

 

The Hardest Part Of The Day

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Getting up each morning is probably one of the most difficult things to do, especially when we’re walking down the road of grief. What’s this day going to bring? How hard will this one be?

Despite trying to get through each one, the emotional roller-coaster is still there and waiting. As for me, there are days when I think it’s getting better. Then, comes the downside. These lows still strike without mercy and often without warning.

Just within the last month, I went to a restaurant and noticed some chairs in their waiting area. They were exactly the same type as the ones we used on our deck in Idaho. I thought they were an unusual style and would never come across chairs like that anywhere else, so seeing them made that part of the day difficult. But, I got through it. Later on, well, that’s a little different.

Recently, I attended a luncheon that had co-workers who I have not seen in about 20 years. It was wonderful to see them, but they all knew about my situation and gave me their heartfelt words. It took every fiber of my being not to get down. There are other situations that I have written about trying to manage those ups and downs. I know that I probably won’t get off this roller-coaster anytime soon.

With each passing day, I’m realizing that the toughest part is at night trying to get to sleep. Sally and I slept next to one another. Her presence was comforting and warmth was relaxing. In the 33 years together, getting to sleep was rarely an issue. Now, it’s becoming more of a battle. Sometimes the anxiety will come on strong and I just lay there, trying to relax and calm down.

Yes, I’ve had the sleep aids and recommend a doctor’s consent with stuff like that. The dreams come too. I do admit that I like most of them that involve Sally. Unfortunately, I can’t remember too many. But, there are the dreams that trigger the emotional reaction in my sleep which carries over into the next morning. Earlier this week, it took me much of that morning to recover from the previous night.

I’ve heard from others that said they have not dreamed about their spouse or other relatives close to them who have passed. Some people have said that my dreams, at least some of them, are “visits.” Perhaps they are. It’s just getting to sleep and trying to adjust to this “new normal” that is the hard part.

 

Small Accomplishments Are Big

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The grieving process will literally drain a ton of mental energy. Regular tasks in our day suddenly become far more difficult. There have been many days I haven’t even wanted to get out of bed. Regardless, I get up and my work and other daily chores get done, because they have to be. But, there are days that so hard to just function.

An extra chore or work project, however small, can feel like a massive undertaking. More precious mental energy has to be spent and it seems like we’re running on fumes as it is. Anxiety levels will also get higher, at least they do with me.

However, I had to force myself to do some those “extra” projects relating to my employment, or daily life. Sometimes, I would have to get into the car and go to the gym when I would rather just stay home.

One of my recent special project is getting completed. I have also done other small tasks that I was less than enthusiastic in putting together. But, once they were done, there was a sense of accomplishment, even with the smallest of projects. It did help breaking up the daily routine of just trying to get through the day. Going to the gym and just sitting on the stationary bicycle for 30 minutes was also helpful.

During this whole process over the last year, I found myself having to do so many thankless tasks. Instead of trying to do an entire project all at once, I divided into segments, which made it seem less consuming. Some have suggested to add an award system to a completed assignment. In my case, cookies and ice cream would be fine.

It’s getting close to one year since my beloved Sally passed away from cancer. This entire grieving process is slow, like trying to move through deep mud. I’m learning to dig deep and push forward, but I have a long way to go. Sometimes the big fulfillment is just making it through the day, even when my mood is way down.

The smallest accomplishments in our lives, especially during these horrible times, seem to help on some level. It reminds me of purpose and that I can somehow function when conditions become necessary. It may take longer to complete the small goals, but I will feel a bit better when they are.

My Grief Diet and Health

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Going through the grief process, your health and diet change, at least it did for me. When Sally was diagnosed with cancer in October of 2016, it didn’t take long for my weight to drop about 10 pounds (4.5 kgs). During the care-giving, her passing and the grieving, my weight has dropped even further.

With the incredible stress of the situation, I eat just enough to keep up my strength. I’m amazed I didn’t get a cold or flu during the process. And now, my weight is the lowest since I was a kid in middle school. At last check, I was down from my peak of 175 pounds (79 kgs) to 138 (63 kgs), but the loss is not as fast as it once was.

I’ve been eating a little more, but the anxiety is still high. Even at rest, my heart would race. Others who have been going through a similar situation tell me that I’m burning so many calories from the mental stress, don’t count on gaining too much weight in the near future.

The grieving and the emotional roller-coaster takes its toll. I see the tremendous stress in my face. It’s amazing, people that saw me on my visit back to Idaho say how good I look. They’re probably being nice and supportive. I know that I’ve looked better.

I found out the hard way that my body can’t take the physical strain like it used to. My friend, Kristine, had me come to her gym and participate in her workouts. Kristine is a little older than me and I figured this wouldn’t be a problem. And, oh man, I was wrong.

About half-way through, what I would call a light to moderate workout, I had to stop. My chest got extremely tight, pain was shooting down my arm, looking pale and I had to sit down. At that moment, I was thinking this was a heart attack. Honestly, as I was sitting there wondering, there was no fright. Instead I thought, “If I’m having a heart attack, this would be embarrassing.”

Instead, it was one of those conditions when the heart reaches it’s maximum beats and starts to skip. I’ve now learned to make workouts more “steady” and not put too much pressure on my body. This has worked out a little better.

The weight loss has my friend, Tom, very concerned. He’s been pleading with me to go to the doctor. I keep telling him I’m fine and it’s not necessary. I’m fairly certain it’s the periods of anxiety, which I am working on.

It’s not a logical thing, but we’re not dealing with logic as the emotional drive still dominates. One reason is that I spent countless hours at cancer centers, blood centers, hospitals, chemotherapy and other centers watching my poor wife go through the agony of treatments. Right now, I just don’t want to go near any type of medical center unless it’s absolutely necessary and right now, it’s not.

However, my friend Tom is probably right. If you are going through the grieving process and something isn’t right, then it’s a good idea to see a doctor. Don’t be like me, stubborn and insist that everything is fine. And, try to eat as best as you can.

Sometimes There Are Nice Surprises

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It’s day two of my trip to North Idaho to visit friends and have business meetings. Yesterday, I faced many fears of going to the places that made me and my beloved wife, Sally, very happy.

I had a hot chocolate with my friend Mike this morning. He mentioned that my weight loss worries him a bit, but I assured him that I will have a few more of those hot chocolates soon.

I’m obviously eating more as I had lunch with my good friend and co-worker, Michelle. We chatted for several hours and received tremendous insight for my future career.

I also had dinner with my long-time friend and business partner, Cliff. His wife, Sharon, was celebrating her birthday. Yes, she also commented about my weight loss. They have been an extended family with me and Sally, but I have to admit, it was a little tough having the nice dinner without her.

I’m still feeling pretty good about being back to the place I used to call home. Amazingly, there hasn’t been any feelings of overwhelming grief. Despite a few slight sensations of nostalgia and a tiny bit of sadness, the thoughts have been relatively peaceful.

Mike and I talked about being single and dating. Most of the people that I know very well, are well aware that I haven’t been single since I was 20 years old. I’m going to be 55 in a few months, eligible for the senior discount at Dennys and a few other spots. Everyone that knows me seems to be pleased with my progress and a few are making hints as to when I could at least start hanging out with someone.

To be honest, the thought does cross my mind. However, at least for now, I’m bound by my “eternal promise.” But, the door is not completely closed. There is a crack.

As mentioned earlier, my first day was spent overcoming my fears. I did pretty good, which included visiting my wife’s former work place. There is one, however, one thing that I’m not quite ready for. It’s going back to my old neighborhood and see the house that brought me joy for over 12 years. I could drive there and pass by, but why push it.

So, I have one final day. The time is already filling up with more business meetings. It’s been a good trip, and turned out far better than I could have imagined. It’s funny, sometimes in upcoming situations that we dread the most, turn out to be one of the nicest experiences. Life is always full of surprises, and occasionally, they are good ones.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

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Tomorrow I fly to the place where my wife and I shared 13 years of our 33 years together. It’s a difficult area to go back to because there are so many memories. When we arrived in Idaho, we had only a few friends and no family. We built a tremendous life together in that state, but things are different now.

I’m going back to check on the possibility of a master’s program at one of their colleges. I will also visit the friends who supported me during the worst experience of my life. I wish I could say that I was excited. Instead, I fell like I’m on a new emotional roller-coaster. Seeing these people, despite all the history, will be good. It’s always nice to see friendly faces.

My life in Idaho was awesome. I did everything I wanted to do in my career. I was proud of the accomplishments and enjoyed our life that we both worked so hard to make. Sally’s job at Macy’s was also good. Many people in the community would come to her for cosmetic advise and she definitely knew her stuff. Every day, we would have lunch together as I would make time in the middle of the day just to enjoy another meal with Sally. Also, I wasn’t a fan of cooking meals for myself.

But, as I mentioned in other blogs, I sold my house and left the area. I couldn’t take the familiarity of a place that brought so much, and that she is no longer a part of it. However, it was home for a long time. People respected the work I did and there is a part of me that wants to go back.

I keep wondering, would it be a good idea to return? Or, perhaps I should go to some place that has no connection to our history and just start over. These thoughts constantly race through my head. I don’t question the selling of our home or leaving the area for a while. I do question on where I go from here. We’ve always had some kind of “plan” when we moved to different places.

I know that I’m putting tremendous pressure on myself to resolve my future. Others sense that as well. I understand that the grieving process takes time, but emotionally, sometimes it doesn’t matter. Trying to give myself time is difficult. There are so many days when I feel, “this does not compute,” or, “how do I fix this?”

I hope to get an idea later in this week where the path will start to lead. It will be a strange feeling to be back in the area to where I owe so much, but find it hard to stay. I wish I could make sense of this.

For those who read this, I have a question. When you became widowed, did you make a big change? I realize you’re supposed to wait on big changes, but circumstances may dictate otherwise.

What About That “Eternal Promise”?

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It’s been over 10 months since the passing of my beloved wife, Sally. I look back and find it hard to image that everything I worked for, my home, my way of life and Sally is gone.

For such a long time, it was just me and her. We made some friends on our journeys and when we moved to Vermont and Idaho. But, at the end of the day, it was just us. We never had children as it wasn’t meant to be.

On many occasions, we said it would be her and me forever. That was the promise. Now, I’m forced to try to move forward despite the pain.

I realize that I still have a long way to go with the grief and loss. She was the “love of my life” and I believe that no other woman will love me the way she did. Our connection was special and deep. People would notice how we looked at one another, even when we were in our 50s.

As far as happiness in the future, I can only hope at this stage. I’m going to be 55, but making plans to get my master’s degree and resume teaching, a job that I thoroughly enjoyed. I’m doing the best I can. This was not part of the original plan for the rest of my life.

I think that we live by a set of rules that we create for ourselves or, perhaps, instilled in us by others over time. Regardless, my I have either been blessed of cursed with keeping a “promise.” It’s what I do and a rule I live by. Once I make that promise, no matter how big or small, I will do everything in my power to fulfill it.

For those who read this, I’m certain that most will think that all of this will change in time. However, my “programming,” at least at this point, forces me to honor any promise that is made, including an eternal one I made to Sally. I do remember the wedding vows, “til death do you part,” but that does not overrule the “promise.”

I saw a great blog by “Ten Thousand Days” that, in my opinion, hits the point. I’m moving forward, but not moving on.  This situation has become my new normal and I have no choice but to accept this big change. I try to “go with the flow,” but still find myself trying to swim against the current.

Prior to her passing, she told me that it was okay for me to find someone else. I also hear from friends and relatives that she would want me to be happy for the rest of my days. On a logical level, this makes sense, but on an emotional one, that’s another matter. Living the life of solitude is not exactly what I had in mind.

What do you think?

 

Coping With Survivor’s Guilt

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I managed to get through one of the “big dates” of my wife’s passing. March 24 would have been our 34th year together. It feels like you’re standing and cringing as that date approaches. How bad will the first one feel? Who will I get through the day?

The day started off as expected, emotional. But, friends and family came through and helped out, for which I’m extremely grateful. It would have been so easy for me to just stay in bed.

This first wedding anniversary without her made me realize the grief and guilt will not be going away soon. I fully admit that “survivor’s guilt” is a part of the pain and sickness in my gut.

Those two little words, “what if,” still run through my head. A lot of my guilt stems from not forcing my wife, Sally, to go to the doctor, just for annual checkups with she turned 50. I get it when I hear the saying, “you can force a horse to water, but can’t make it drink.” Still, I can’t help but wonder.

For a long time, she was healthier than me. Sally worked out on the elliptical in a room in our house. Her job required her to be on her feet all day long. She ate well, much better than me. Honestly, I set up our insurance and future based on the fact that I would be the one that would leave first. Life threw me and everyone else a massive “blindside.”

The thought that goes through my head is that if I would have been more persistent, this cancer could have been caught early and things would be different. My sister, who is a doctor, tells me that this type of cancer would have likely not made that much difference in terms of the outcome. Logically, I understand. Emotionally, that’s a different story.

I’ll never know if things would have been different. Perhaps not knowing allowed us to live life to its more fullest. We traveled a lot the few years prior to her diagnosis. Maybe her “quality of life” would have been far worse if we did know and went through the long and painful treatments. Regardless, I still wonder “what if.”

This process of grief is relentless. You can run, but you can’t hide. One of the steps I’m trying to work on is “forgiveness,” especially for myself. It’s far from easy. Happiness is something I don’t feel entitled to, at least not now. It’s a matter of trying to be “less sad.”

But, I try to press onward with each day. I try my best to be functional. Making plans for one, two or many months down the road is hard. However, I do make them, just to get some sort of sanity.

Now, I will be bracing for the next two days, her birthday and the one of her passing. I already know the road coming is going to be rough. Again, I’m doing my best.

 

The Task of Going Through “Stuff”

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From conversation and personal experience, the most difficult task that a widow or widower must face is going through the “stuff” of their beloved. Shortly after my wife, Sally, passed from rare cancer last year, I made the decision to clean out our house and sell it.

Deciding to sell the house was an easy one for me. I could no longer live in a place that had so many memories. It was also expensive and too big to handle on my own. However, because the home is located in an area that gets snow, I had no choice but to clean it out and get it on the market as soon as possible.

I literally made about 30 trips to the local dump and sold much of the furniture and other possessions. Those things, possessions, clothes and other things are not the same without Sally as we got them “together.”

Going through the majority of this stuff on my own was painstaking and emotionally traumatic, but had to be done. Each item, especially clothing, had a memory attached. I completely understand that they are “things,” but there was still an attachment to my wife.

I’ve talked with many people who still hold on to many possessions of their deceased spouse. I do understand why some of these people do that. It’s so hard to let go of anything. In my case, I gave away all of her clothes. The only thing I wished I would have kept was a beautiful green dress that she would wear on special occasions.

Despite keeping most of her jewelry, I still think about that green dress. Let’s face it, the thing would have been in the closet, but it would have been close by. However, I did make a trip to Atlanta to see my sister. We went to one spot that had a beautiful waterfall. It was a chilly day and she gave me a purple hood to wear. It was chilly enough that I decided to wear it, even though it looked a little feminine.

At the end of the day, after our nice excursion, my sister, Susan told me that purple hood belonged to Sally. I asked to keep it and without hesitation she said yes. That hood sits on top of a 3 by 5 frame with our picture.

I’m not an expert on whether it’s a good idea to keep things or to give them away, sell them or whatever. In my case, I don’t have the green dress, but I do have have the purple hood. You can let me know what you think and what you’ve done as well.

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Most People “Don’t Get it.”

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When you lose the love of your life, it’s like being in a fog. There a pit in your stomach bigger than the Grand Canyon. I wake up every morning wondering how this could have happened. The center of my world was lost to cancer and I wished it would have been me instead of her.

I’ve had many people “set up” time with me to help ease the pain. Good friends let me stay at their home for 3 months as I couldn’t stay at my house. However, there are those who simply can not handle this type of situation. From my experience, they do not want you, or someone that’s been through this kind of trauma, to rock their happy existence. These people do mean well, but have no idea on what it’s like and will try to avoid you.

I’ve heard a number of comments that cause me to shake my head, or to not deal with that particular person. Less than two months after my wife passed, there was a gathering with friends. Of course, everyone asks the same question, “what are you going to do?” I said that I was trying to figure it out. What I really wanted to say was that I was just going to lay in bed for the next year.

I did mention to one person that I was selling my house and going to travel to get my mind away. He said that “it sounds like you’re going to be in an enviable position.” WHAT? I told him there was nothing enviable about that at all. There have been other comments related to this, but it’s pointless to list the examples.

I’ve been told to go seek psychological help, or asked how long until I’m over this. I will often get question after question on this situation, like I’m in a courtroom. People want you to be your “old self.” Unfortunately, that’s not very likely, at least not in the near future, as a big part of your world is no longer with you.

The best ones to discuss this horrible situation with are the ones who’ve been through it. They understand the tremendous hardships, pain and the journey. I was also warned to be careful on who I open up to about this event. Others have difficulty because they simply “don’t get it.” And, for their sake, I hope they never do.

For those reading this who have been through a similar situation, I’m assuming will have similar stories. Please feel free to share.