Getting up each morning is probably one of the most difficult things to do, especially when we’re walking down the road of grief. What’s this day going to bring? How hard will this one be?
Despite trying to get through each one, the emotional roller-coaster is still there and waiting. As for me, there are days when I think it’s getting better. Then, comes the downside. These lows still strike without mercy and often without warning.
Just within the last month, I went to a restaurant and noticed some chairs in their waiting area. They were exactly the same type as the ones we used on our deck in Idaho. I thought they were an unusual style and would never come across chairs like that anywhere else, so seeing them made that part of the day difficult. But, I got through it. Later on, well, that’s a little different.
Recently, I attended a luncheon that had co-workers who I have not seen in about 20 years. It was wonderful to see them, but they all knew about my situation and gave me their heartfelt words. It took every fiber of my being not to get down. There are other situations that I have written about trying to manage those ups and downs. I know that I probably won’t get off this roller-coaster anytime soon.
With each passing day, I’m realizing that the toughest part is at night trying to get to sleep. Sally and I slept next to one another. Her presence was comforting and warmth was relaxing. In the 33 years together, getting to sleep was rarely an issue. Now, it’s becoming more of a battle. Sometimes the anxiety will come on strong and I just lay there, trying to relax and calm down.
Yes, I’ve had the sleep aids and recommend a doctor’s consent with stuff like that. The dreams come too. I do admit that I like most of them that involve Sally. Unfortunately, I can’t remember too many. But, there are the dreams that trigger the emotional reaction in my sleep which carries over into the next morning. Earlier this week, it took me much of that morning to recover from the previous night.
I’ve heard from others that said they have not dreamed about their spouse or other relatives close to them who have passed. Some people have said that my dreams, at least some of them, are “visits.” Perhaps they are. It’s just getting to sleep and trying to adjust to this “new normal” that is the hard part.
Randy I enjoyed your post very much. I have many dreams like you…I also lost my husband of 34 years to cancer recently. I think the dreams are visits and I wait for them every nite.