It’s going to be 11 months in just few weeks since Sally passed from cancer. Next month will be the one-year anniversary, which I’m already trying to brace myself for the onslaught of emotion.
Someone told me that one of the toughest times would be after 6 months. She was probably right. Last month, I was all over the place with emotion. I found it to be extremely difficult to focus on anything.
There would be days when I wouldn’t notice the large pit in the my stomach. The feeling that things are finally starting to get a little better would change almost instantly.
I remember going to a restaurant to meet a friend for lunch. In the waiting area, there were chairs that were exactly the same ones we had on our deck. And, those type of chairs are not typical.
I got through the lunch with my friend, but the triggers and the breakdowns came. Worst of all, they can happen anywhere, just about anytime and often without warning. I’ve even fought off the tears while driving and there wasn’t any music playing. I try to read about the experiences of others about this type of situation, and it seems that they are not that uncommon.
Managing these “peaks and valleys” is so tough. And, last month, the roller-coaster ride was the worst. I really thought that as time moved on, the pain would subside, at least a little bit. But it didn’t, and I realized that the agony will not be going away anytime soon and there’s no timetable either.
Prior to Sally’s sickness, I rarely cried. I lost family members before and I did shed a few tears. But, I’ve lost count on the big breakdowns. I don’t even try to fight them, I just go with it.
When I was in Idaho last week, I started to talk to my good friend, Mike, about this blog. He asked to read a few passages and I could see the tears form. My intention was not to make him sad, but to show some kind of progress.
Mike asked me how long it took me to write the last blog. I told him it was about 10-15 minutes. He looked very surprised, but writing about this unwanted journey, for some reason, seems easier than I originally thought when I started.
It’s hard for me to admit, but I’m going to have to continue to manage and navigate these “peaks and valleys.” Despite the huge emotional ups and downs, I’m trying to learn how to live with it.
My step-father told me to simply, “just put one foot in front of the other.” He also says, “live for today, because tomorrow is promised to no one.” He’s definitely right about that one.
My Widowers Journey 