Those Phrases I Have To Live With

Tomorrow I fly back to the sanctuary of my childhood and early adult home. I spent my last day in North Idaho going to business meetings and visiting a few more friends. It’s a strange feeling to drive around the place that Sally and I lived in for over 13 years.

Overall, the trip was very good, actually better than I expected. However, I’m still on this roller-coaster of emotion and would still get the occasional pit in my stomach. Many of those memories of us driving to a movie and a restaurant are so vivid. It’s like they happened yesterday.

While I was waiting for a business lunch, one of Sally’s co-workers recognized me and gave her condolences. She worked with Sally for a short time and found out about her passing only two months ago. She expressed how sad she was and how she missed Sally. We all miss Sally, but I’m the one that misses her the most.

While driving around, those two phrases kept going through my head. “You’re a widower,” and “you’re single.” I never thought I would have to say or feel those two statements. After ten months, it’s a slow process trying to get used to this “new normal.”

It’s hard to express how unsettling those two statements are, and that’s putting it mildly. This was never supposed to happen. We both envisioned our lives ending like “The Notebook.” Yes, I saw the movie and liked it.

When trying to deal with this loss, I would scour the Internet looking for others with the similar situation. How many of us are going through, or gone through this process? And, by the way, I have received responses to my blogs and have appreciated the warm words and support.

While surfing around, I found a few statistics that were a bit surprising, at least to me. There was a study that the average age of a widow is 56. I’ll be 55. It’s also estimated that over 50 percent of the population is now single.

Without a doubt, I could easily return back to this area that I lived for over 13 years. It’s beautiful and was great for my career. But, my gut tells me that I can’t, at least for now. I feel that I need to eventually go somewhere that’s different. I’m not the same person I was prior to Sally’s cancer.

It’s almost like wishing so hard to return to once was and, logically, I obviously know it’s not possible. But, emotionally, I still keep wishing.


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